Hello, witches, black cats and bitches - it’s J. Harvey here with you on Halloween! Welcome to the new day and day for Unqualified and thanks for joining! Spooky!

I’m dressed as Nina Garcia from Project Runway and I’m ready to tell that the outfit you designed doesn’t hang together well, and it’s VERY shoddy tailoring. First off, I wish you all a Happy Halloween (it’s pretty much homosexual Christmas) and hope that you all get your candy bags filled to the brim….with candy. Pervs. Halloween is the night for whorishness, drunken behavior, and waking up next to the guy who you thought looked completely taggable in the Three Musketeers gear but thereupon you realized you had been wearing pumpkin ale goggles. ACK! (That’s a semi-true story by the way. I’ll leave it at that.)

I am additionally proud to announce that star commentator and someone who should probably have HER OWN advice column - OC Trophy Wife - has written in and asked advice of me! I’m flabbergasted and humbled! And I shall do my best! Keep reading!

Hello, witches, black cats and bitches - it’s J. Harvey here with you
on Halloween! Welcome to the new day and instance for Unqualified and
thanks for joining! Spooky!

I’m dressed as Nina Garcia from
Project Runway and I’m ready to tell that the outfit you designed
doesn’t hang together well, and it’s VERY shoddy tailoring. First off,
I wish you all a Happy Halloween (it’s pretty much homosexual Christmas) and
hope that you all get your candy bags filled to the brim….with candy.
Pervs. Halloween is the night for whorishness, drunken behavior, and
waking up next to the guy who you thought looked completely taggable in
the Three Musketeers gear but next you realized you had been wearing
pumpkin ale goggles. ACK! (That’s a semi-true story by the way. I’ll
leave it at that.)

I am additionally proud to announce that star commentator and someone who should probably have HER OWN advice column - OC Trophy Wife - has written in and asked advice of me! I’m flabbergasted and humbled! And I shall do my best!

Hello J.!

P.S. I should additionally say that Doug and Leo are warm, smart, serious society.  They don’t say or do things lightly.

Dear OC Trophy Wife,

First off, I am ecstatic to get a chance to try and aid YOU since you have often given better advice than I to some of our readers. I’m keeping my job though, heifer! KIDDING. And that Carnavale thing sounds dope! I might have to get out to the head office in LA sometime to check it out!

Ok, the whole “they can’t pinpoint it” thing is bullshit. whether they are as serious and smart as you say they are - soon after they don’t sound the types to suddenly wax Cinderella stepsister and get all hainty on you about your friend for no discernible reason.

I think something might have happened.

Are you and Adam a completely platonic couple? I know your logon is “Trophy Wife” but you never know what’s goin’ down. Do you think they’re mad at him considering they think he’s perhaps doing something to hurt you behind your back? I mean, why wouldn’t they just tell you what it was instead of “a feeling.”

Are we certain Adam is straight? Did he hit on one of them or one of your homosexual friends and they found it to be a betrayal of you somehow? I know I totally think in soap operas but that is a need to know right now!

Is Adam a closet case and they have an issue with it?

As for the event, HELL NO should you cancel it. You put a lot of work into it! Your friends shouldn’t have put you in that sort of position. Tell these two they need a reason before you offload your best friend. Tell them that I’m sorry you feel that way but you can’t screw your pal without some concrete reasoning. Have them contact the dead or some shit and find out why they feel that way. Stress that you’re still their friend whether you need to. They sound like they might be a little sensitivio, whether you know what I’m saying.

Take Adam and your other pals and have fun! Have plenty of drinks, they will assemble you feel better about Doug and Leo acting stank and just roll with it. When they come around to telling you the real reason they feel that way, go on from there. And have fun and thanks for your constant readership, Hag Supreme!

Please keep sending me tales of friends’ vague feelings of Halloween homophobia to harvey.advice@gmail.com! I love your e-mails!

Please
note that J. Harvey is not a childcare specialist, priest, therapist,
counselor, or even a good listener. In other words, don’t sue.

Original post by J. Harvey